Pranksgiving
by JadziaVu
Summary: It's Thanksgiving in Gotham, and this chaotic clown couple celebrates in their own special way! (A Harley/Joker Fanfic)
1. Kiss with a Fist

**Warning: This short story contains spoilers for 'Mad Empire'. If you are okay with that, please continue, and enjoy :)**

**And as always:**

**The Joker: Health Ledger**

**Harley Quinn: Kristen Bell**

**Joey Asaro: Vin Diesel**

**Sean Rider: Scott Grimes**

**Mac Schwartz: Owen Clive**

**Batman: Christian Bale**

**Robin: Liam Akien**

**Poison Ivy: Christina Hendricks**

**Edward Nigma: Jude Law**

**Killer Croc: Michael Clarke Duncan**

**Louis Debuclet: Bob Hoskins**

**Happy Thanksgiving, Ya'll!**

* * *

**['****All Along The Watchtower****' by Jimmy Hendrix]**

Harley spun out of her unsuccessful roundhouse kick just in time to see The Joker's bare fist grow closer in her sight. It seemed to happen in slow motion, but still didn't give her enough time to react before the knuckles made contact with the bridge of her nose and she flew backward onto the marble floor of the foyer. Stars sparked in her reddened vision as the uncomfortable burning sensation filled her sinuses, like when chlorine water retreats up one's nose in a swimming pool.

"Fuck!" she screamed up at him, holding her bleeding nose. It wasn't broken, she would have known if it were, he had broken it before. He was bouncing around childishly in place, mimicking a boxer with his fists held close to his smirking face.

"Gotta learn to block, Princess. We've been doing this for how many years and you still don't block!", he teased her with a confident grin that set her teeth on edge while be punched at the air.

The blood was running down her arm now, and she stood angrily to her feet to confront him again, bringing her fists up in front of her crimson-stained face. She threw a right hook in his direction, but he dodged it easily; the pain and frustration was making her sloppy, and his obnoxious smile was incensing her. Stepping up close to him, she plugged one side of her nose with a finger and blew hard through her moist sinuses, spewing fresh blood onto his face. He grimaced and shut his eyes, staggering back in disgust and opening his shield to her. She shot two alternating fists at his face; one catching his chin, the second connecting with his jaw. His knees buckled and he collapsed onto the floor. Now he was the one scowling up from the beneath while she danced in place over him.

"That was dirty, Harley!" he yelled, wiping his face with the back of his forearm.

"I learned from the best", she smirked, still bouncing while the blood dried to her lips and chin.

She was feeling proud of herself, but had gotten too cocky in her blind triumph. Dancing dangerously close to him, she had forgotten just how long his legs were and he swung one out, kicking her feet out from under her and sending her flying down onto her back with a heavy _thud_, knocking the air from her lungs. She sputtered to catch her breath, but he was already on her, angry eyes piercing down like daggers while his long fingers wrapped tightly around her throat and squeezed. Her scalp tightened under his strong grip as the blood was cut off along with her breathing and she struggled to fend him off with her small hands. Just as the dark clouds began to appear around the corners of her vision, he made a mistake and moved his weight to gain better leverage, exposing his ribs to her swiftly moving knee. One good hit was all it took to knock him off of her with a yelp, clutching his side while she regained her footing and gasped for air, coughing and gagging.

"I almost passed out again. You keep doing that shit and I'll end up with a traumatic brain injury!" she warned him, hunched over with hands on her knees.

He stood slowly from the floor and brought his fists back up to his face, "Blah, blah, doctor shit, blah", he teased her.

"It's not doctor shit, _Jack_-ass, it's common sense!"

"Woo hoo hoo! Nice double entendre, there, Sweetheart."

"Fuck you."

He chuckled at her.

"Ms. Quinn," the henchman, Joey, called from the back of the foyer near the stairs, "Ms. Ivy's here ta see ya."

Harley's last name had legally been Napier for almost a year now, but she and her husband both agreed that Harley Quinn should remain her alias; it was safer and made much more sense given the play-on-words in which it had been created. There was no such thing as a Harlenapier clown, now was there? She stood up straight, panting and wiping her bloody face to walk toward her friend who was shaking her head disapprovingly and glaring back at her husband. Ivy hated it when they sparred and feared for the day when he took it too far, as if broken noses and fingers weren't bad enough. The only comfort she derived was the knowledge that Harley could protect herself when he had one of his little 'temper tantrums' and attacked her in his unpredictable rage, which he was known to do. She had resigned to the fact that she would never understand their volatile relationship many years ago. When things were good, the two were as sweet as candy to one another, especially The Joker; it was almost like watching a completely different person interact with Harley. When they were bad, however, things could get dangerously out of hand very quickly. Tonight had only been a typical sparring match, but there were times when he would lay into her that Ivy thought for sure he might kill her. Harley hadn't left him to come and stay at the greenhouse since they escaped Arkham together and tied-the-knot, however, so perhaps his temper had fizzled slightly. So she hoped.

"Well, that's going to bruise", Ivy mentioned to her friend as she examined her already swollen nose.

"I gotta learn to block", Harley admitted with a shrug in her blood-stained tank top, "I'm glad you showed up when you did, though. Don't tell him this, but he was kicking my ass tonight."

"Clearly."

"Hey! I've had him on the ropes more than a couple of times. I must be getting ready to start or something."

"Oh sure, blame it on the cycle", her friend retorted with a grin, "Speaking of which, may we go clean your face, please? It's disturbing to say the least."

The two women disappeared down the curving hallway toward the shower room and The Joker cracked his neck with a smile as he watched them go, staring at his wife's round bottom while she walked away.

"Don't tell her this," he said to his henchman, "but she was kickin' my ass tonight."

Joey chuckled behind his newspaper, sitting at his post with the security monitors.

"Hey", he heard his boss address him again, "So, your squeeze is here tonight. You finally gonna grow some balls and ask her out?"

Joey shrugged shyly. He had been interested in Harley's best friend for as long as they had known her, which was nearly eight long years by this point, but had never acted on his feelings for multiple reasons: One being the fact that she was notorious for her toxic kiss-of-death, the other being her intolerable distain for mankind as a whole. Everyone except Harley, of course.

"I really wish you wouldn't spar with him. I know it's suppose to train you, but he doesn't restrain himself even slightly", Ivy expressed her concern when they reached the large shower room beneath the stage.

Harley turned the faucet on in one of the sinks that lined the walls and splashed cold water onto her face, rubbing at the caked blood on her lips and chin.

"You think The Bat holds back when he throws his giant clubs in my face? Remember that concussion he gave me a few years back?" she asked her concerned friend in the mirror.

Ivy set the basket she had been carrying down onto the sink next to her, "I know, but shouldn't your husband be more gentle with you if he is only attempting to equip you with skills necessary for protection with his training?"

Harley grabbed a towel and wiped her face, observing the swollen nose in her reflection, "I've seen him fight, Red, he _is_ being gentle with me."

The redhead sighed, "Alright, if you say so. I need to get going, but here are the medical herbs I promised you. You should use some of this on your nose", she reached into the basked and pulled out a vial of green fluid stopped with a dropper lid.

"Really? You can't say any longer?"

"No, I have a few things to get done at the greenhouse, but I'll see you tomorrow." The two friends hugged and Ivy started for the door, stopping at the frame to turn back briefly, "And speaking of the flying vermin, do be careful tonight, please."

Harley smiled as she pulled her tank top over her shoulders, "We will. It's just good, wholesome, holiday fun, Red."

"Yeah, well, it's all fun and games until someone gets a baterang in the thigh."

The blonde shrugged, "His stupid ass should have moved faster."

Ivy shook her head and exited the room while Harley turned the knob on the shower pole and closed the door, removing the rest of her sweat and blood-soaked clothing. She stepped beneath the spout and closed her eyes as the hot water bled through the hay-colored strands of hair on her scalp with a gentle massaging sensation. When she opened them, she found her husband standing next to the closed door, pulling off the last of his own articles of dirty clothing. She wasn't at all surprised to see him. Sparring doubled as both a means of training and an act of foreplay when it came to The Joker, and she gladly welcomed the activities that followed. His lust-filled gaze was locked onto her while he sauntered slowly over, joining her under the hot water and nuzzling her neck. She brought her hands up to tangle her fingers in his long hair, but he snatched her wrists quickly and forced her backward toward the wall. He turned her around to face the sink and pushed her hips up against the cold porcelain, wet skin slipping against it as she tried to regain her balance. His long fingers gripped either side of her waist tight and he pushed himself slowly into her, taking her breath away. She flexed her spine forward as the pleasure crept up her torso, making her knees buckle beneath her. He reached up and gripped a handful of her hair, yanking her head back so she was face to face with her already bruising reflection in the mirror.

"Watch me fuck you", he demanded through gritted teeth and she moaned in complacent bliss, nails slipping against the edges of the slick sink where she clung to keep her weak knees from collapsing.

"Yes, Mr. J", she cooed with feigned fragility like a disciplined school girl. He liked it when she acted as the weak victim to his sharp-edged lust and she didn't mind playing the part for him.

His hips began thrusting forward forcefully and he released her hair to gain better leverage on her waist, eyes locked on one another in the steamy mirror. The pleasure was intense and she moaned with increasing volume each time they made contact, causing her eyelids to become heavy.

He slapped the right cheek of her bottom hard with an open palm, "Eyes open!" he yelled.

"Yes, Mr. J!", she worked hard to suppress the satisfied grin she felt hiding in the corners of her mouth as the stinging sensation began to tingle through her red skin.

His short nails were beginning to dig into the exposed flesh over her pelvic area and he was thrusting so hard she thought they might tear the sink right off the wall, so she placed her hands on either side of the mirror as a counter to his powerful force. She gasped when his calloused hands suddenly shot around her chest and gripped a breast in each palm before he pulled her quickly away from the wall so she was standing in front of him, back pressed firmly against his chest.

"Did I tell you to do that?" he growled in her ear.

"No, Mr. J, I'm sorry", she tried to whine and sound frightened for him, true to her role, but it was difficult to act through her excitement.

"Bad girl", he snarled and bit her neck hard, sending electric pulses surging through her body while they continued to rock to his wild rhythm.

"Joker!"

"Shut up", he scolded and grabbed her jaw between his fingers, "Speak when you're spoken to."

"Mmhn, yes, Sir." she panted.

Her eyes rolled in their sockets and she tucked her lips under her teeth to fight the growing temptation to yell his name a second time. The hot water had created a thick layer of fluffy steam that rose from the cold tiles of the shower room and their moans were echoing off the walls in acoustic fashion. He pushed her down over the sink and licked the sweat from her back while her moans turned into passionate wails. She was just reaching the point of no return in her ecstasy when he shifted his weight on the wet floor with a misplaced foot and slipped on the tile, grabbing onto her to steady himself, but only succeeding in bringing both of them down onto the floor with a loud _smack_ and a tangled mess of bare limbs and dripping hair.

"Ow", The Joker groaned, rubbing the back of his head where it had hit.

"That was hot", Harley smirked sarcastically at him.

"Well, you know me, always looking for something new and exciting", he quipped, grimacing in pain.

She rolled onto all fours and crawled over him, intent on finishing what they had started while he grinned keenly up at her. Leaning over to kiss him, their bodies reconnected and she took charge, which only excited her even more since he rarely allowed it to happen. She sat up and rocked over him while he watched her from below, hands on her hips again. He licked his lips and closed his eyes for a moment before she brought the palm of her hand across his face and his lids shot back open with a new born fury in his expression.

"Eyes open!" she yelled with a smile.

He glared at her for a second then shifted his weight, growling and throwing her to the slick floor on her back while never losing contact between them. Pressing her wrists into the floor, he picked up his harsh pistoning once more and she immediately felt the intensity climb back toward the surface inside of her. After only a few more hard thrusts her back arched under them and she cried out in sheer rapture.

"Scream!" he commanded and she complied easily; one might have thought he was brutally murdering her for the horrifying sound she was creating.

His own end was soon to follow and he grabbed hold of her throat as he moaned to the finish, still leaving her room to breathe shallowly under his grip. The shower room was heavy with hot steam by this point, and Harley's head was spinning with contentment as their muscles relaxed beneath them on the wet tile while the soft sound of running water filled room.


	2. Reruns

"Damn, I love shower sex", The Joker panted, muffled into Harley's neck.

"Mhmm", she concurred in quiet satisfaction beneath him with eyes still closed, "Okay, I'm going back to bed now."

"Oh, no you don't", he argued, lifting his head, "We have a long-awaited holiday party to attend, Sweetness."

He stood slowly and reached down a hand to help her up from the floor as she grumbled under her breath and heavy muscles. After their shower, The Joker stood in the mirror at the sink where they had just been only moments before, running a sharp razorblade across his stubble while Harley pulled a brush through her long blonde hair.

"You think I should grow a beard?" he asked her, turning his head side to side in his reflection.

"No."

"Why not?"

"First of all, I don't think you could grow one over your scars. Secondly, I hate facial hair on a man", she paused as she clasped her bra and pulled the straps over her shoulders, "Reminds me of Gary."

He gave her a knowing glance in the mirror and tapped his razor on the side of the sink before returning his attention back to his shaving. It was an unspoken rule that they never discuss their lives as they were before they met, but he had been itching for years to ask her about her parents, especially her father. He had already deduced that he must have beaten her, but he desperately desired to know more information about a specific detail; a topic which she always managed to avoid.

"So, that would be a turn-off then, hm?" he asked bravely.

"Yes", she answered sharply.

"Any reason in particular, other than the fact that he was a fuckhead?"

He heard her sigh behind him and she quickly finished dressing, ignoring the question. When she was fully attired, she started for the door in silence and he turned to call after her.

"Harley-"

"-What? What do you want to know? That he fucked me? Yes, he fucked me. Now we can quit skirting around the issue and finally put it to rest?"she turned quickly on her heels and walked out of the room.

"Baby!" he dropped his razor, face still half covered with foam, and chased after her, "Harley wait." She continued walking down the hall with long strides of her short muscular legs.

"I know you hear me, girl", he warned, and she finally stopped without turning to look back. When he caught up to her, he ran the back of his fingers gently down her arm and grabbed her hand, turning her to face him.

"Alright", he said softly was he stroked her cheek, "I won't bring it up ever again, I promise."

She looked up at him and the anger in her expression relaxed into a minute sideways grin.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I'm ready for a party", she responded, smile widening.

"Mmm, now we're talkin'!"

In the foyer, Mac was folding laundry obediently on the couch as Joey glared over at his pathetic form from his seat. When Harley and The Joker emerged from the hallway under the stairs, he quickly averted his single remaining eye and bowed his head low, concentrating intently on his work. They had let him live only for the sheer satisfaction of torturing him until he took his last breath, whenever that might be, they hadn't decided yet. For now, he was the domestic worker monkey, and they thoroughly enjoyed tormenting him. Harley noticed him cowering and stridded over, sticking her index finger into her mouth as she approached.

"Wet Willy!" she exclaimed as she shoved it into the open hole on the side of his head, now devoid of the external cartilage that once composed an ear.

Her husband let out a boisterous laugh and smacked the man on the back of the head as he passed by. Once they were inside the Cigar Lounge and out of sight, Mac released the breath he had been holding and glanced up at his former friend, Joey Asaro, who returned his look with a dark smirk.

"Joey!" their boss called from inside his bedroom.

"Yes, Sir!"

"Grab Sean and get the van ready, we'll be out in ten."

The henchman stood from his seat and started quickly for the door under the stairs, "Sure thing, Boss."

Harley twisted the tops off of two canisters of greasepaint in the bathroom, white and black, and sat her red lipstick on the counter as The Joker entered the room and smacked her bottom playfully, humming to himself. She squealed gleefully and dug two fingers into the white greasepaint, smudging it onto her cheek in a circular motion while her husband did the same in his own mirror.

He smirked over at her reflection as they worked, "I wouldn't bother with the black."

She scoffed at him and continued working. He was referring to the dark half-moon bruises that now deepened the underside of her sockets, just above the bridge of her larger than normal nose. He snickered and she shot a leg out, kicking him in the behind as he flinched. Once they had covered their face and eyes, they both reached for the red lipstick on the counter, but he grabbed it first.

"No!" she whined, jumping with arms overhead while he held the stick in the air, "That one's mine, you always get them all messy with your white paint!"

"Sharing is caring, Darlin', I can't find mine", he retorted with a childish grin as she hopped on one foot, snatching at the air on her short legs.

"Sounds like a personal problem, give it back!"

He turned his back on her and began applying the red color sloppily along his lips and scars while she beat on his back with tiny fists.

"There!" he smiled, turning to face her, "It's done. You can have it back, now."

She took the white-smudged lipstick with a grimace and attempted to clean it with a tissue from the counter before applying a small amount to her lips while The Joker adjusted his suit coat in the mirror. Her finishing touch were the two low-braided pigtails which were now long enough to extend past her breasts on either side of her head.

"I love the holidays", he sighed and Harley winked at him as she completed the last loop in her braid before securing it with a black ponytail holder.

They exited the Cigar Lounge, concealing their newly loaded guns into their holsters while Mac finished the last of the folding and bowed his head to avert his eye.

"Bye, Macky", Harley teased with a grin and he nodded.

"Hey, she's speakin' to you", his boss said.

Mac gargled a greeting as best as he could manage without a tongue, and the couple cackled loudly at him while they walked toward the door to the theater, holding hands. When they reached the stage, her smile faded.

"Pathetic, isn't he?" she mentioned.

The Joker glanced at her, "Is it time we put him out of his misery?"

She shrugged.

"That self-righteous bitch of a moral compass is bothering you, isn't she?" he asked with a frown.

"Little bit. She's been a lot braver since Arkham."

He placed his mouth to her ear, "Go away!"

"Ow!", she pushed back on him, holding her ear, "It doesn't work that way, you know that!"

He chuckled, opening the back stage door for her, and they stepped out into the chilly November air where Sean and Joey, their longest surviving henchmen, were preparing the black van on the first floor of the parking garage. A stack of red tubes rested just outside the open back doors along with about a dozen home-made bombs and detonators. She approached the stack and picked up two of the sticks.

"Hey, Puddin', 'Dy-no-mite'!" she quipped, holding them in the air while she shook her bottom side to side.

The two henchmen chuckled at her quote as they loaded the van.

Her husband lifted his chin at her, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Princess?"

"That's not even the same show", she giggled.

"What would you know about it, Young-un'?" he asked with a smug grin.

She shook one of the sticks at him, "I watched the re-runs, Old Man."

He sauntered slowly over to her, still smiling, "Not too old to make you scream, am I little girl?"

Joey and Sean shook their heads while they passed supplies to one another and their bosses carried on outside the van with long kisses and sweet nothings. A quick glance was exchanged between the two men; they had set a $200 bet that the loving couple would be at one another's throats before the end of the evening. Sean was in denial due to the holiday spirit, but Joey knew better. He had worked closely with them long enough to know that these two head-strong nut cases were incapable of completing a job without at least one argumentative spat over the implementation of its plans. It was entertaining, really.

**['Wurlitzer' by The Lushlife Project]**

When the van was loaded, Harley and The Joker climbed into the back with the supplies and the henchmen took the front seats. They were least likely to be recognized and draw unwanted attention than the clown couple who sat amongst the explosives. The Joker rested a hand on his wife's knee while she calmly cleaned beneath her nails with the sharp end of her switchblade, and the van bounced along the darkened streets toward their destination. It was the very early morning hours of Thanksgiving Day and the annual Gotham City Thanksgiving Day Parade would be beginning in a matter of hours, but not without a few fireworks to heat up the party. The floats had been ready for weeks and were locked 'safely' away in a large warehouse provided by the city. The doors were locked under high security, but for Harley, it was child's play. Her laptop computer sat against one wall of the van, open and ready for business. After a few minutes, Joey pulled the van to a halt in the alleyway behind the warehouse, and she clicked her knife shut before crawling over to the computer. Her husband began rummaging amongst the detonators, checking the wires and other properties while she clicked and typed.

"Ready, Puddin'?" she asked him.

"Do your thing, Sexy."

With another click, the security cameras were hit with a looping feed of an empty lot, and Joey pulled the concealed van up to the back doors of the warehouse. The two henchmen watched from their seats, guns at the ready, as the chaotic couple jogged toward the security doors. Harley placed a black shoebox-sized device against the metal, and it clung easily, hovering while she adjusted a few knobs and dials. After a couple of minutes, The Joker began to look impatient and reached up a hand to touch the device, but she slapped it way. He shot her an angry glare and shook his hands in front of him, miming the action for strangling her. Joey grinned inside the van and crossed his arms smugly in his chest, he was about to win the bet. She continued messing with the device while her husband shifted his weight on his feet, and he finally placed and hand in her shoulder and pushed her aside. She caught her balance and smacked him in the back of the head with an open palm and he flinched, sticking an index finger in her face. They were arguing back and forth, but the words were muffled through the glass of the van. Joey held out his hand and Sean rolled his eyes as he pulled two $100 bills from his coat and stuck them in his palm. The couple continued to argue and prod at the device until the door finally clicked open, and they exchanged a slightly surprised look, followed up with a passionate kiss.

"They're fucked in the head, I swear", Sean said.

"You just now figurin' that out, man?" Joey responded as the loading doors were lifted and he pulled the van slowly inside.

The vehicle was thrown quickly into park and the engines cut. The henchmen jumped out and walked around either side to open the back doors and begin unloading supplies while Harley and The Joker investigated the floats for potential areas to hide their explosives. Once everything was unpacked, Joey aided The Joker while Sean helped Harley hook up the dynamite, bombs, and timed detonators. It was all too easy, and they released random maniacal laughs as they worked. Two hours later, the presents were wrapped and ready to go, and the henchmen reloaded the remaining explosives while the satisfied couple stared at their masterpiece with huge red smiles.

"You set all your timers?" The Joker asked Harley.

"You bet your cute ass."

He glanced over his shoulder in an attempt to look at his own bottom, "You think it's cute?"

"Hell yeah", she planted a palm onto a cheek and squeezed, making him jump.

"Hey, don't molest me in front of the boys, Woman!"

She giggled and he tugged one of her braids.

"Yep", Sean said quietly to Joey as they packed the van, "Fucked in the head."


	3. Party Poopers

"Ready to go, Boss", Joey said from the van, and the couple climbed into the back, kissing and cackling.

The ride home was powered with excited energy and everyone seemed to talk and laugh at once as they regaled their story in anticipation for the explosive Parade that would occur in a few hours. Joey rounded the corner of a desolate street, heading back toward their abandoned side of town when the roof of the van suddenly dented loudly above the back area were the clown couple sat, causing the startled henchman to screech the vehicle to a short halt. The Joker pulled his gun immediately from its holster and shot a few bullets into the dented outline of two large feet while Harley jumped out the back and pointed her gun over the top, but there was nothing there. She smiled, gun still at the ready, and glanced cautiously around at the tops of the dark condemned buildings that lined the streets.

"Come out, come out wherever you are, B-man", she cooed.

"You want I should drive, Boss?" Joey asked.

"No, he'll follow us to The House. We gotta make sure he's otherwise indisposed first. Wait here" ,The Joker answered before joining his wife in the street.

They placed their backs together and scanned their surroundings, guns held high. A faint swishing sound filled Harley's ears and she kicked a leg under her husband's feet, knocking him to the ground just in time for a baterang to whiz over their falling heads and ricochet off the van.

He grunted and lifted his head, "You could have just said 'duck'", he groaned.

"You get hit with another one of those, and I'm not stitching you up", she scolded, standing to her feet.

"Yes you will", he chuckled, standing to brush the dirt from his pants with his free hand.

She opened her mouth to retort, but the air was knocked out of her as a thick armored chest crashed into her and a muscular arm wrapped around her waist, lifting her quickly from the ground. She struggled in his grip as they ascended and attempted to swing back at him with an open switchblade from her belt, but it was knocked from her hand and went tumbling back to the ground where The Joker stood with his gun aimed at the two of them. Joey and Sean jumped from the van and pointed theirs as well, but their boss cut them off.

"Don't shoot, he's got Harley!" he commanded.

"Deja-fuckin'- vu, man", Sean referenced their encounter with The Bat from a year ago, "Why does he always go for Ms. Quinn?"

"He thinks Arkham can cure her", Joey explained as they watched the top of the building where the two had disappeared.

The Joker took off in a sprint toward the fire escape and his henchmen followed, climbing quickly behind him to the top where they found Harley fighting with expert skills against her dark captor. Her husband smiled and released a sigh of relief before taking off to join her in the battle. Harley threw a quick kick in the air, and it connected with The Batman's jaw with a satisfying _thunk _and sent him staggering back a few paces.

"Nice hit, Babydoll!" her husband exclaimed, applauding her.

"What are you up to tonight, Joker?" the vigilante asked in his gravelly voice.

"Not much, what'chu up to? Wanna get a drink and catch the game?" his enemy retorted with a smug grin.

"Excited for the holidays, Bats?" Harley asked him, but he ignored her.

She grabbed the ends of her braids and stuck them atop her head, mimicking his pointed ears, "I'm Batman and I got no friends or family. I'll have to spend Thanksgiving hanging from my cave and dripping guano all alone. Wahh!" she teased in a low voice.

The Joker punched her softly in the arm as he cackled at her taunt, and Batman stared her down with clenched fists. From the top of the fire escape, Joey and Sean both had a safe clean shot of him, but they knew better than to attempt to take him out on their own. He was The Joker's target, and his alone. If he was going to be killed, which may never happen since he enjoyed tormenting him so completely, it was going to be by his own hands and no one else's.

The Joker put an arm around Harley's shoulders and pulled her into him, "We'd invite you to our place, but you're just such a damn party pooper. Learn to lighten up a little and maybe you'll get an invite for Christmas, what d'you say?"

"Jingle bells, Batman smells", she began singing and her husband chimed as they danced childishly in a circle, hand-in-hand, "Robin laid an egg! Batmobile lost a wheel and Joker got away!"

They started in another verse and didn't notice him pull the Batclaw from his utility belt. Joey opened his mouth to warn them, but the long rope had already been shot from the device with a _hiss_ and caught Harley by one of her long braids, yanking her toward him as she grabbed at it and yelped. She crashed into him and he wrapped an arm tightly around her once more.

"I may not be able to take you both in, but you're going back to Arkham tonight, _Harleen_", he growled into her ear.

Her husband glared at him angrily, "Why can't you fight me like a man instead of using her as a fucking shield every damn chance you get?"

"Pussy", she growled as she struggled in his strong grip, digging the heel of her boot into his armored toes and shins with no response.

He lifted the Batclaw into the air, and in a final desperate attempt to escape before they took off into the air, she threw her skull back into this exposed lips. He groaned and released her momentarily, but regained a hard grip on her wrist before she could flee. She spat onto his bleeding mouth and he grimaced in disgust before reaching up to dig a thumb into the swollen and tender bridge of her nose. She screamed out in pain and her knees buckled beneath her, giving him an advantage, but he hadn't noticed her husband sneak up behind him with the plank of wood. It crashed into the back of his head and sent him hurling face-first onto the gravel of the rooftop, disorienting him for a moment. He had relinquished his hold on Harley and she staggered away, holding her throbbing nose. The Joker leapt forward with a triumphant smile and began slamming the wood down onto Batman's back with incredible brute force, laughing loudly with each hit. Harley rounded his side with a smile and brought her foot behind her, aimed squarely at The Batman's ribs, but just as she was about to swing it forward, there was a loud _crack_ sound and The Joker stumbled to the side. She glanced up to see Robin take another swing with his staff and catch her husband under the jaw, forcing him to stagger backward. Batman jumped quickly to his feet and pushed her toward the young vigilante.

"Get her out of here, I'll take care of her boyfriend", he commanded and Robin nodded.

He attempted to grab her but she threw herself into a quick backhand spring and shook her index finger at him as she landed.

"Nu-uh, Batboy. Lookie, no touchie", she teased with a smile.

Batman and The Joker were throwing and dodging skills kicks and punches a few feet away and she looked over Robin's shoulder to find Joey and Sean standing back up from the ground, rubbing their heads. She propped her hands onto her waist and shot Robin a disapproving glare.

"You beat up my boys, Batbitch?" she yelled and he smirked from behind his clenched fists. "Ya know", she continued, "I may not be able to take your boyfriend out because he belongs to Mr. J", she reached into her suit coat and pulled the loaded gun from its holster, "But he never said anything about you."

She pulled the trigger and Robin moved just in time for it to miss his chest and imbed itself in his shoulder. He winced in pain, went down on one knee, and the other two men ceased their quarreling to turn and find him clutching his shoulder just as Harley stepped forward and brought the toe of her boot up into his throat. He flew backward and landed hard, gasping for air, and Batman quickly ran to impede her path before she attacked him again. Throwing the butt-end of her gun in the air, she caught the bridge of his nose. Even under the thick armor, it was still enough force over a sensitive area to send him staggering sideways, eyes closed tight as the burning sensation came.

"Smarts, don't it?" he heard Harley asks just before there was another _crack_ on the side of his head. His vision blurred for a moment and he suddenly realized he was on his back with Oracle yelling in his ear.

"Batman! Answer me! Are you okay?"

The Joker stood over him with a grin and pulled a small vial from inside his suit coat, unstopping it to drip a few beads of liquid onto his face from the dropper. He winced as the moisture hit his face and an herbal fume filled his senses, immediately relaxing his muscles as he felt a euphoria rush over him while Oracle's frantic pleas grew quiet in his head. Robin was still gasping and moaning on the ground next to the unconscious Batman and Harley looked over at him with feigned sympathy.

"Give him some, too, Puddin'. That shoulder looks painful", she mentioned to her husband who smiled and gladly obliged.

Both vigilantes were now lying unconscious on the gravel roof as The Joker replaced the top on the vial and tucked it back within his suit coat.

"Remind me to thank The Plant", he told Harley, taking her hand.

They walked toward the fire escape together as their henchmen applauded with smiles.

"You boys okay?" she asked them and they nodded.

"Such a softy", her husband teased, taking her chin in his hand and kissing her.

"No one hits my boys on a holiday", she smiled.


	4. Pot-Luck Family

Harley skipped cheerfully through the foyer like a five year old with a lollipop, blonde hair patting her back with each leap. She turned slightly to enter the door to the Cigar Lounge and nearly slipped on the marble floor in her unshoed feet, covered only by a thin layer of red pantyhose. The Joker was sitting on his side of the bed, back to her and bent over. He was clad in a silk, purple, button up shirt; black slacks; a green silk vest; and his long hair had been pulled back into a low ponytail away from his cleanly washed face.

"Guess what!" she exclaimed gleefully.

He brought his head up and spat a white object across the room, "Chicken butt!"

Harley grimaced in disgust, "Was that a toenail?"

He bent back over and she could now see that he was holding one foot over his opposite knee as he gnawed at the end. She averted her eyes and an involuntarily gag escaped her open mouth.

"Stop that! It's so gross!" she demanded through another gag.

He sat up and spat again, "What? You want I should grow 'em out like Freddie Kruger nails and attack the guest with 'em?" he asks with a grin, wriggling them in the air toward her.

"Use my nail clippers you Caveman, ugh."

"Too late, all done", he grabbed a purple sock from the bed and slipped it over his foot, "Come give us a kiss, Cutie Pie."

"Never again!"

He chuckled, "So what's the news, hm?"

Remembering her gossip, Harley jumped in place and squealed with her lips pursed, skipping over to his side of the bed and flopping down to take a seat next to him.

"Croc is here…with Candy!" she said in a loud whisper.

Her husband smiled as he pulled the other sock over his bare foot before slipping on the shiny, black, custom, leather shoes, "That chick from the club? His 'sister'?" She nodded with a hand clasped over her mouth and he snickered, "Sly dog."

He reached over and tried to kiss her, but she quickly jumped away from him, pointing toward the bathroom, "Go brush your teeth for thirty minutes and I _might_ let you kiss the back of my hand."

She turned on her bare heels as he laughed at her and exited the room, rounded bottom shimmying in her black cocktail dress. Walking to the sink, he chuckled in his throat and shook his head, pausing to look in the mirror as he loaded his toothbrush.

"Been doin' it for years", he admitted to his reflection with an amused grin.

Ivy entered the foyer and was greeted by her blonde friend with a kind hug, "Happy Thanksgiving, Sweetie."

"You too, Pammy."

The redhead handed over an eco-friendly container filled with fresh greens from her greenhouse, "Here's the salad."

"Thanks! We're getting the table all set up in the dinner room and all of the other guests have arrived. Croc is here", she lowered her voice and leaned in, "with a girl."

"Oh, the scandal!" Ivy retorted.

She followed her friend into the banquet hall at the front of the foyer and scanned the room, bustling with people; Louis Debuclet was kissing The Joker on each of his scared cheeks as they exchanged a greeting in Creole. Croc was holding hands with the new topic of gossip while he talked to Nigma, holding a glass of whisky in his hand. Harley poked Sean in the stomach and ruffled his hair, teasing at him with a smile as the two hyenas, Bud and Lou, danced merrily around people's feet and licked at stray hands. There was a joyful air of closeness and enjoyment in the room while everyone laughed and spoke to one another, and Ivy couldn't help but smile. She had known most of these notorious criminals for many years, and realized suddenly that this was the closest any of them had ever been to having a real family in their entire lives. There was a soft tap on her shoulder and she turned to find Joey holding a large bouquet of potted flowers. He was dressed in a fine black Armani suit and smiled nervously at her before clearing his throat.

"Uh, Happy Thanksgivin', Ms. Ivy", he greeted.

"Hello, Joseph", she returned his smile, "Happy Thanksgiving. What a beautiful plant!"

He shifted on his feet, "Uh, heh, yeah. I, uh, I been raisin' it up from a seedlin' for a few months now, and well, I, uh, I wanted you ta have it."

She took the gift with a surprised expression, "Why, thank you! That's so very kind of you, and they look very well cared for."

He swung his arms at his sides with a grin, "I tried."

"Ya know", she said sweetly, stepping closer to him, "Maybe there is hope for the human race afterall."

He bowed his head in an unsuccessful attempt to conceal the blush that was spreading across his face and she leaned in to kiss his cheek, making him flinch.

She laughed at him, "Not to worry, Joseph. I'm only toxic if we exchange bodily fluids."

"But there is an anti-venom", Harley's voice explained behind them, "Only takes a quick shot in the shoulder, she gave it to me a long time ago."

The redhead nodded, "Indeed, I do have a special supply ready for special people."

"Yup, Red and I could kiss all we wanted and I'd never feel a thing."

A deafening silence suddenly fell over the entire room and the two women looked around to find that every male gaze was now focused intently on them. They rolled their eyes and exchanged a glance before responding to the mesmerized group in unison, "No."The talking erupted again and men were shaking their heads and drinking from whiskey glasses with amused expressions. The Joker walked over, glass of Jack and coke in hand, and smiled at his wife's friend.

"You tryin' to steal my girl, Plant?", he asked jokingly and Harley smacked him in the chest, "Uh, Ivy", he corrected himself.

She lifted an eyebrow at him, "Wouldn't dream of it, Clown", Harley shook her head, "I mean, my dearest Joker", she corrected with a strained smile.

They shared a small laugh and he leaned in for a hug, "Ah, what the hell, Happy Thanksgiving."

The group began taking their seats at the long oak table in the middle of the banquet hall, piled high with pot-luck entrees and side dishes that had been brought from all the guests. They continued to laugh and talk amongst one another as things were set into place by the obedient and unfortunate waiter of the evening, Mac.

"Louis, you make that gumbo of yours?" The Joker asked as he lifted the lid on a large stainless steel pot, steam escaping in thick fluffy heaps.

"Wi, dats mah Memaw's recipe, wit a bang o'mah own in d'ere", the small Creole man answered from the middle of the table.

"That's what I'm fuckin' talkin' 'bout, home cookin'!"

Nigma pulled out a chair for himself next to Ivy, but after exchanging a quick glance with Joey, decided to take a different one a couple of seats down. Croc took a seat at the end, opposite The Joker, and moved his elbows in the air at his sides.

"I needs me some eattin' room!" he exclaimed in his deep tone and the group laughed.

"Waylan, what is this?" Harley asked as she observed the meat dish in front of her.

"What'chu _want_ me ta tell you?" he retorted with a grin and another awkward silence broke the conversations in the room; Killer Croc was known for his cannibalistic tendencies, and who knows what he may have brought with him for dinner. He paused for a moment, then released a good-hearted laugh that rattled the fine china on the table, "Dat's boar d'ere, Miss Quinn."

Some people sighed in relief while others chuckled and the rumble of joyful conversation started up again. Dishes were exchanged down the length and across the table while people talked and loaded their plates. Harley snuck food to her pets underneath the tablecloth and was caught by her husband, who scolded her while she grinned childishly at him. Joey poured a glass of wine for Ivy and the two shared a toast with a shy smile. Candy was feeding Croc large chunks of meat at the end of her fork while Nigma tried to understand Louis through his thick accent, and the whole room seemed to come alive. After a few minutes, The Joker wiped his mouth quickly with his napkin and stood from the table, glass held in the air, and everyone in the room paused to direct their attention at him.

He scanned each of their faces seriously and raise his glass slightly higher before simply saying, "Family."

The group raised their glasses in unison and repeated, "Family."

"One big, crazy, ol' fucked up one", Croc chimed in and everyone laughed hysterically.

As the dinner wound to a close and guests threw in their white flags to overcrowded bellies and too much wine, The Joker continuously checked his watch.

"Are you sure you don't want to go visit Jeannie's grave today?", Harley asked him sweetly, "It will be the first year that we haven't."

He placed his hand over hers on the table and rubbed the back of it with his thumb, "She knows I'm thinkin' about them."

She grinned and rested her chin onto her palm, elbow in the table, "What are you thankful for?"

He smirked at her, "Batman."

"Batman?"

"For throwin' my ass into Arkham eight years ago, where I met you."

"Aw, Puddin'", they leaned in to kiss one another, but she pulled back at the last second, "Did you brush your teeth?"

He laughed and grabbed the back of her head, pulling her in where she fought for a moment before relaxing into him.

"Boss", they separated to look up at Sean, "Sorry, but it's nearly time."

The Joker checked his watch, "Shit, get everyone in the living area, now, now!"

Harley stood and clapped her hands, "Time for the parade, people! Let's go, let's go!"

The confused crowd stood slowly from their seats and begrudgingly sauntered into the foyer, and over to the living area where a set of furniture rested in front of a large flat screen hanging from the wall. The Joker turned the television on quickly and flicked through the channels to find the GCNN, where the parade would be broadcast live. For most of Gotham this was the early morning, but to the criminals who spent their nights prowling and their days sleeping, this was just after dinner time. A few of the guests took seats on the furniture while others stood nearby and chatted.

"What's your interest in the parade, Joker?" Nigma asked him.

"Just keep watching", he responded, grinning at his henchmen who were snickering together beside a confused-looking Ivy.

He kept a close eye on his watch while the floats began to appear on the screen. As the final one came into view, his second hand ticked to the countdown and he raised an instructing hand in the air.

"And here…we…go!"

Vicki Vale screamed on the screen as floats exploded and burst into towers of sky-licking flames. People began running in panic, trampling one another beneath a stampede of feet, and police officers were subjected to use brute force to subdue the more hysterical pedestrians. The entire room erupted in hysterical fits of laugher and hooting as The Joker wrapped an arm around his wife's waist and pulled her into his side, chuckling in his throat. Croc was bouncing gleefully in his seat on the couch, slapping his thigh. Nigma's head was thrown backward as he laughed maniacally. Joey and Sean shared and brotherly hug and punched one another in the arms while Ivy fought to suppress a laugh beneath her graceful fingertips. The only person in the room who was not thoroughly enjoying the scene was the tiny white-haired Creole. He sat expressionless, staring at the television for a moment before walking calmly over to Harley and The Joker, eyeing them suspiciously. Harley had never asked Louis' stance on the importance of innocent human life, and she was certain they were about to get an earful. She hoped The Joker wouldn't snap and kill the old man, she quite liked him. After a moment of silence, he crossed his arms in his chest with a pout.

"So, dis how you been gettin' all dem holes in my suits, eh?", he reached up and smacked The Joker on the back of the head, "Byoa, put on a joggin' suit when you go blowin' shit up, dem suits is fo' wearin' not tearin'!"

The Joker laughed and Harley joined him, relieved to know that he was indeed one of them. Louis turned back to watch the fireworks as he took a seat and the couple looked on with contented smiles.

"What do you think The Bat is doing right now?" she asked her husband.

"If he's not still lying unconscious on that building, he's probably going guano in his big boy panties right now", he smirked and she giggled. He took a sip of his drink and hugged her closer to him, "What are you thankful for?"

She paused for a moment before answering, "Gary."

He looked down at her with a confused expression and she shrugged, "He created me. There'd be no Harley without him, and god knows you never would have ended up with Dr. Quinzel."

"That bitch", he scoffed, "hell no."

"Or Harleen?"

He tilted his head with an interested expression, "She may have been fun to fuck with." Harley smacked him and he snickered, "With, I said with!"

"How can you love someone so crazy?" she asked him seriously and he kissed her swollen nose.

"We're all crazy, Princess, you and I just wear it on the outside."

She smiled up at him and pulled him in for a long kiss as she secretly counted her blessings. Another loud explosion erupted on the screen and they returned their attention to the television, relishing in the fruits of their labor while their ecstatic family members cheered and clapped in their happy home.

* * *

**Just some light-hearted, holiday fun. Hope you liked it! Happy Thanksgiving, Ya'll!**


End file.
